Ever have periods of pulling back?

I think I'm going through one of my periods of sort of pulling back. I go through modes over time: At one point I'm gregarious and outgoing, and a few months later I'll be sort of a recluse. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the seasons or what, but I get grumpy and then reclusive, and don't communicate much outside of a very small circle. I'm not sure why I do it, but I do. I've got friends who I might not talk with for months at a time. It's not that I'm upset with them or anything, but at that point I'm probably not communicating much with anyone. Rae, my slave, being the exception of course. Even she probably notices that my temperment changes for a time before it shifts back. Although we've been together less than a year so I'm not sure if she's detected the pattern.
I do, however, tend to get a lot done during these periods. The writing of my book was one such time in my life. I virtually never left the house for five months and my only contacts with the world were my soon-to-be ex wife and a group of Goreans I'd chat with online.

I doubt rae or my neighbor and good friend Vox will actually let me pull back too far however. They have ways of bringing me to the surface. In fact, it was Vox doing just that which connected me with rae last summer.

So if I'm hard to find for a while, my regrets, it's just one of those things I go through.

New addictions

One of the things I love about Rae is that she's about as big a geek as I am. However, she sometimes tries not to admit it. What's more, I'm making her worse. In the last two months she's ran through almost all of R.A. Salvatore's Drizzt Do'Urdan books. She's also read his entire Clerical Quintet series. On top of that, she games in my hero's game and when she moved in she took up whole shelves of my bookcase with her massive Dragonlance novel collection and Mercedes Lackey and Robert Jordan books.
Now, she's gotten me addicted to a new computer RPG. Her revenge for me getting her into gaming I guess.
For years I've owned Elder Scrolls of Morrowind III, but only would dabble in it here and there, never getting much done and eventually putting it down to play something else.
She used to own it on XBox and used to always lament her long, lost powerful Morrowind character. For the longest time she resisted playing it on the computer because she prefers a controller to keyboard and mouse. However, a week or so ago she started playing on the computer.
THen I started watching.
Then I made a character, after seeing how she played.
Now we're both hooked.
Only problem is that there's one computer in the house and two Morrowind fiends.
On top of that I like to play City of Heroes/Villians as well.
So, do we plan to shake our addictions? Hellz no! I'm saving up to get a new laptop in a few weeks.
I'm looking at one that has an AMD processor that's 3.4 gig equivalent, 1 gig ram, 100 gig harddrive and a ATI Radeon 200m 128meg dedicated video card. It's also got a 17 inch screen.
Since my best friend Hari hooked up my house for wireless when he visited in January (earning him an indefatigueable wealth of cool points) I'll be able to not only carry it around the house, but also my next door neighbor and good friend Vox will be able to tap into my wireless, giving the three computers the ability to have some good LAN gaming fun.
Which means my addiction will probably get worse, but it also means that I'll be able to sit upstairs with Rae when she's watching her evening dose of Daily Show and Colbert Report. Usually I'm downstairs on the computer and we'd both prefer being up there together during our downtime.

In related news, she and I are planning to redecorate the apartment. Our apartment is huge, about 2,000 square feet. but we don't use 3/4 of the upstairs because it's one HUGE room (with half the ceiling slanted down at 45 degrees) but there's only one electrical outlet. Fortunately her dad is a pretty handy guy and has said he'll install one or two more lines up there for us. We plan on turning it into a living room, which we really don't have. Right now we have a big bedroom, the backroom, which is our computer room/library/home office and upstairs there's a smaller room we use as a TV room. Problem is that it isn't very conducive to company. Not that she and I have much company, we're pretty private people (for reasons many of you well know). But it would be nice if we had somewhere for friends to sit when they stop by.

The Male Hero Factor

I had an interesting week. I had to bail a friend out of jail. I won't go into the details, but it was over a woman.
The problem is that it was a woman we all, him included, knew was nuts. Real crazy.
I've had my dance with crazy with my first wife. Learned a painful lesson too.
We, as men, have to find a control point for our hero factor. A lot of men, good men, think that they can "save" a girl with issues. Quite often we cannot, and end up just getting ourselves into trouble and heartache. But there has to be a point where you realize that it just ain't worth it. It's very hard to change someone, and it's often disappointing, frustrating, and if you are successful (which is rare) then you and that person may no longer be a match.
We are still trying to rescue the maiden from the dragon's lair. That's honorable. But there are very few dragons left to slay in the world. To fill the void, we aim our swords of valor at mental and psychological demons threatening to devour some innocent maiden. However, unless you have a psychology degree, you aren't armed right. All the good intention and determination in the world won't be armor enough against the fiery breath of a good ole fashioned character flaw. Eventually, you will get burned.
Here is what I suggest. If you find a nice girl who has some issues, and you want to be in a relationship with her and help her, you should do one, critical mental exercise.
Look at that girl as she is today, right at the moment where you're sure you know everything wrong with her. Then ask yourself this question: "If this girl never changes, if she never improves one iota, if these flaws are still here 20 years from now, can I accept her the way she is and be happy with her?" If the answer is an honest yes, then go ahead, knowing that come good or bad you care for her for who she is, not who you think she can be.
Fortunately, in this case, my friend was wise enough to put a wall up between himself and this girl, never allowing a physical relationship to really form and take root. He got that knowledge from a previous, painful relationship. It didn't keep him from a night in "stony lonesome" but it did keep him from a broken heart.

Palladium Open House and Going home

I got back late monday from a trip to Michigan to an Open House thrown by Palladium Books, an role-playing game company that I'm a fan of.
It also happens to be just outside of my home town of Detroit, which I have not visited in a year.
All in all it was one of the most relaxing times I've had in about a year, maybe more.
Rae and I drove across country on a trip that took over 8 hours. We could have flown, but I had this huge sword and print from Lord of the Rings that I wanted to give my mother. The sword was a huge two-handed replica of the swords used by the Nazgul, and the print was Eowyn vs the Witch King, my mother's favorite part of the Lord of the Rings novels.
Also, I knew rae and I would buy plenty of swag at the Open House.
We got there late Thursday night, checked in and collapsed.
Friday was spent with my family, mainly my mother and grandmother. We went down to the Motor City Casino and came out in the black. Then I went to see both my grandfathers.
My grandfather on my father's side, I learned, had developed Parkinson's disease and was in physical rehabilitation. He is 84. I promised that I would come back on Sunday night and see him along with my cousins.
Then we went to the VIP night at the open house and I got to meet the creator of Palladium Books, Kevin Siembieda. I really would like to work for this guy, and this company, so I brought a bunch of book ideas and potential projects. He seemed genuinely interested in the projects and I'll be pushing that as far as I can take it.
We did some shopping that night, expecting that if we waited until Saturday all the best stuff would be gone.
I'm not going to get into details about what we got, but let's just say I indulged myself on some reliving some old childhood memories.
I also got to meet a lot of people whom I have only talked to online before that night, which was a lot of fun. It's funny what kinds of mental images you develop for people and how jarring it is when they don't fit them. I'm not even sure where we get the information to build the images for people that we have in our minds. It is a phenonemon that is solely, I think, the creation of the internet: Building a mental image of someone that you interact with regularly, without ever seeing an actual picture of them, or perhaps a still photo or two.

On saturday it was a lot more smoozing, shopping and just hanging out with cool people. Don't know how to describe it really beyond that. On the boards where this is best known the details are already covered in depth.

I guess what was pivotal for me was SUnday night, when I actually got to see my grandfather, which I guess is what this post is really about.
He looked terrible. he could hardly speak and I'm not really sure whether he recognized me or not. He was bone-thin, and incoherent, trembling under the effects of Parkinson's disease.
I don't think I was mentally ready for it. I didn't expect it. It shook me up for the rest of the evening, even though I think I covered it fairly well.
This was a very strong man in my youth. Although he always seemed to be old in my youthful eyes, it never struck me that he could get any older, and so frail.
They say he can recover quite a bit with therapy and good care, but it is so hard to envision after seeing him like that.

You know what's strange? I've been going through this...well, fear....of death over the last few months. I think it's because I've come to realize my mortality in a very real way. The thing is, that visit to my grandfather impacted that, but I'm not quite sure how yet. One part of me would rather pass on than live incapacitated. Another part of me, the dominant part of my psyche I think, would cling to whatever faint spark of life that I had for as long as possible. He is supposed to come home today, and that's good. Recover or not, I'd rather have him there at home surrounded by family than in that rehabilitation center.

Sorry if I'm not as clear as I usually am, I'm still sorting out my feelings on this one.

Immigration rant

Today, across the nation, illegal immigrants and many in the latino community have decided to stay away from work and not spend their money in an effort to push the country toward an immigration reform package that would offer amnesty to illegal immigrants.
I have quite a few problems with this. But first let me make it clear it has nothing to do with ethnicity. It has everything to do with the law, security and common sense.
First, let's delve into the fact that organizers of this boycott are screaming for justice. Justice? For illegal immigrants? Excuse me if I'm wrong, but isn't that specifically asking for us to jail, fine and deport them? That is the law. Thus, that would be justice.They knew what they were doing was illegal, didn't they? Yet, that doesn't seem to be what the organizers are asking for. They are asking for amnesty and for people to be rewarded for illegal activities. That's the opposite of justice, isn't it? That's injustice.
Now, why do I call it injustice? Well, what about everyone who comes over legally? What about all the people who fight their way through the red tape and bureacracy and EARN citizenship in this country? Wouldn't offering amnesty to illegal immigrants be pretty much like pissing in the coffee? We don't, usually, reward people for breaking the law (unless we make them president first). I honestly don't think we should start.
Some would say illegal immigrants earned citizenship through their hard work and that they've been an asset to the country. I don't follow this logic at all. All you earn when you work is your paycheck. They've been able to access our healthcare and general freedoms, as well as our security, stable economy, high standard of living, and public amenities. On top of that, they've driven wages down for honest workers, and been of assistance in helping weaken labor unions, allowing employers a little more latitude in bending us over and shoving it in. Hey, don't do me any more favors, okay?
So the cost of grapes are 50 cent cheaper per pound. Well, considering the strain on public education, healthcare, housing, police and utilities, I think we come up fairly even. In fact, maybe less than even on behalf of honest, legal americans.
Not only that, but don't believe for an instant all illegal immigrants work on a farm for crap wages. I've known illegals who were plumbers, drywallers, construction workers and other good-paying blue-collar professions. Those jobs could have, and should have, gone to legal citizens.
Personally, I think we are jumping the gun on this. Staunch the tide over the border first, then deal with those who are here. The first thing you should do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging. When did this tidbit of logic get discarded?
And if they truly want things fair, then why do the same organizers protest securing the border.
I'm all for a big, electrified fence, national guard units with permission to open fire, and helicopters with infrared. And I sure as hell don't support watering holes strategically placed on this side of the border so criminals don't get dehydrated while invading our country. That's one of the most assinine things I've ever heard.
People cry and say that what I suggest would get a lot of people hurt. Well, you know what? Here's my advice: IF YOU DON'T BREAK THE LAW IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
Why, could someone tell me, is this concept so hard for about half this country to grasp?
We are not entitled to be kind, nice, or hospitable to you when you are trying to break our laws. We're certainly not entitled to assist you or make it easier by inaction.
Once we get the border secured, we start deporting....I'm talking stuffing C-130s full of people and dropping them back where they came from. People say it's impracticle to deport 12 million people. Okay, I can dig that. But we could make a reasonable dent. Hey, we accomplished the Berlin air drop for heaven's sake. I think we can handle this. But, I accept that we won't deport all of them, so another solution has to present itself. Amnesty isn't it.
Finally, let's talk about the whole act of illegally crossing the border and why it sticks in my craw.
First, it's our first contact with you as a future citizen and your first action is to break the law, knowingly. Not starting off on the right foot, are we?
Second, I really doubt an illegal immigrant, in general, is going to be an asset to our country. You've already shown yourself to be a quitter. If you are that much of a benefit to us, why didn't you stay and fix your own country? If things go bad here are you going to drop everything and head to Canada next? Gee, I hope there's no worldwide decline of civilization or half of Mexico would be living in the North Pole by the time it was done!
You want to show us some moxy? Stick with your country and fix the problems at home. Then you won't need to risk crossing the desert, getting shot, dying of dehydration, only to end up busting your hump for $3 an hour and getting pesticide poisoning.
You think you have it bad? I'm black. We got beat on, discriminated against, couldn't vote, and occasionally hung from a tree or set on fire. We stuck with it here. It's still not perfect, but there's been no mass exodus to Ontario yet.
We changed the system through both legal wrangling and a bit of civil disobedience. And while economically Mexico is bad, it's sure as hell not "let's go lynch us a n____!" bad. So illegal immigrants really have no excuse. There are plenty of people staying in Mexico who are busting their butts to change things for the better. Hey, if you're a member of some persecuted group whose life or liberty is at risk, that's one thing. That's why we have the wet foot/dry foot rule with Cubans. But in 99% of the cases of illegal immigrants, that isn't the issue. They just want a better life.
They look over the fence and see the grass is much greener over here. You know why it's greener? Because we took the time and effort to water the lawn.