The Male Hero Factor
I had an interesting week. I had to bail a friend out of jail. I won't go into the details, but it was over a woman.
The problem is that it was a woman we all, him included, knew was nuts. Real crazy.
I've had my dance with crazy with my first wife. Learned a painful lesson too.
We, as men, have to find a control point for our hero factor. A lot of men, good men, think that they can "save" a girl with issues. Quite often we cannot, and end up just getting ourselves into trouble and heartache. But there has to be a point where you realize that it just ain't worth it. It's very hard to change someone, and it's often disappointing, frustrating, and if you are successful (which is rare) then you and that person may no longer be a match.
We are still trying to rescue the maiden from the dragon's lair. That's honorable. But there are very few dragons left to slay in the world. To fill the void, we aim our swords of valor at mental and psychological demons threatening to devour some innocent maiden. However, unless you have a psychology degree, you aren't armed right. All the good intention and determination in the world won't be armor enough against the fiery breath of a good ole fashioned character flaw. Eventually, you will get burned.
Here is what I suggest. If you find a nice girl who has some issues, and you want to be in a relationship with her and help her, you should do one, critical mental exercise.
Look at that girl as she is today, right at the moment where you're sure you know everything wrong with her. Then ask yourself this question: "If this girl never changes, if she never improves one iota, if these flaws are still here 20 years from now, can I accept her the way she is and be happy with her?" If the answer is an honest yes, then go ahead, knowing that come good or bad you care for her for who she is, not who you think she can be.
Fortunately, in this case, my friend was wise enough to put a wall up between himself and this girl, never allowing a physical relationship to really form and take root. He got that knowledge from a previous, painful relationship. It didn't keep him from a night in "stony lonesome" but it did keep him from a broken heart.
The problem is that it was a woman we all, him included, knew was nuts. Real crazy.
I've had my dance with crazy with my first wife. Learned a painful lesson too.
We, as men, have to find a control point for our hero factor. A lot of men, good men, think that they can "save" a girl with issues. Quite often we cannot, and end up just getting ourselves into trouble and heartache. But there has to be a point where you realize that it just ain't worth it. It's very hard to change someone, and it's often disappointing, frustrating, and if you are successful (which is rare) then you and that person may no longer be a match.
We are still trying to rescue the maiden from the dragon's lair. That's honorable. But there are very few dragons left to slay in the world. To fill the void, we aim our swords of valor at mental and psychological demons threatening to devour some innocent maiden. However, unless you have a psychology degree, you aren't armed right. All the good intention and determination in the world won't be armor enough against the fiery breath of a good ole fashioned character flaw. Eventually, you will get burned.
Here is what I suggest. If you find a nice girl who has some issues, and you want to be in a relationship with her and help her, you should do one, critical mental exercise.
Look at that girl as she is today, right at the moment where you're sure you know everything wrong with her. Then ask yourself this question: "If this girl never changes, if she never improves one iota, if these flaws are still here 20 years from now, can I accept her the way she is and be happy with her?" If the answer is an honest yes, then go ahead, knowing that come good or bad you care for her for who she is, not who you think she can be.
Fortunately, in this case, my friend was wise enough to put a wall up between himself and this girl, never allowing a physical relationship to really form and take root. He got that knowledge from a previous, painful relationship. It didn't keep him from a night in "stony lonesome" but it did keep him from a broken heart.
posted by Dark Lord at 7:48 PM
6 Comments:
I couldn't agree more. Being female, I have seen the opposite side of this - women who want a man to save them. An ex-friend of mine used to do this constantly, when she was single and had to take care of herself and deal with her own issues, she was a nice and almost sane person. However, as soon as she got involved with a man, he was supposed to save her, not only without her help, but often with her hindrance.
I think she thought it made her interesting. I really just made her a crazy bitch. Here's the thing, since her, I have seen a number of women doing this. When they are in a relationship, the man is supposed to be the solution, the savior. However, this also meant that any unhappiness or old issues became the man's fault. The hatred and contempt that some women treat men with when the man "fails" to save them from themselves is just unbelievable.
Men want to be heroes and that is admirable. My husband is my hero - he kills spiders for me, and does other romantic things such as bringing me ginger ale and chicken soup when I am ill. However, he isn't responsible for my sanity or my happiness.
When it comes to issues, men can be considerate of them, but they can't solve them. We are each responsible for dealing with our happiness and our "issues", and either coping with or overcoming our craziness. Anytime anyone makes it someone elses responsibility, it ends in misery.
My husband's ex was one of these types as well. He admits to his white knight complex, and is pretty glad I'm willing to be saved by preferring to let his attempts to make me happy work, instead of torturing him for the effort. Unless your in a work of fiction, actively "saving" someone is tricky at best. Saving someone from themself is damn near impossible unless they are willing to be saved - i.e. do their own work on it.
I think that it's deeper and simplier than wanting to be a hero. Guys just have this unstoppable desire to fix things...and the more we can't fix it, the harder we try...until we get fed up and either do something stupid or we walk away to no one's benefit...
i disagree with this wholeheartedly. fixing broken women is NOT something all of us want to do. leaving them alone and moving on is always best. marrying one is an insane move. dark lord is fully entitled to his opinion on his blog , but that is not all men.
smart men duck out when he see's a feamle is really broken. it doesnt serve any discernible to try to "fix" anyone.
"i disagree with this wholeheartedly. fixing broken women is NOT something all of us want to do. leaving them alone and moving on is always best. marrying one is an insane move. dark lord is fully entitled to his opinion on his blog , but that is not all men.
smart men duck out when he see's a feamle is really broken. it doesnt serve any discernible to try to "fix" anyone. "
Actually, read the article again. I said "a lot" not all.
"My husband is my hero - he kills spiders for me, and does other romantic things such as bringing me ginger ale and chicken soup when I am ill."
That's about the extent of my romanticism and heroism. Sorry, armor is heavy, hot, bulky, and a bitch to shine. I'm not bothering with it.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Post a Comment
<< Home